Sorry it took me so long to
produce this second installment to my post of 21 August/12, when I cited research that showed too much time spent listening to someone else’s complaining can damage your staff’s
brain cells. I feel bad for
leaving you hanging this long, especially since practical advice exists that
may help you not merely cope with a longwinded complainer but actually enable
you to bring out the best in the whiner.
By whiner, I am referring
specifically to someone whose complaints are neither constructive nor even
useful as a therapeutic (if passive-aggressive) form of stress relief. Although such whiners may possess a
legitimate sense that things should be different and want to make things right,
they have no idea how to effect improvements. So as a result they feel helpless and, instead of taking
action, they whine.
If faced with this type of whiner, the best thing you can do is diminish the whiner’s helplessness by
taking the following five positive steps:
- Listen to the whiner’s complaints (even if you
don’t want to and at risk of your own brain cells). Write down the main points to
prove to the whiner that you are listening and also help you recognize the
complaints again if the whiner tries to recycle them.
- Because whiners tend to complain in vague
generalizations, you'll probably need to take charge of the conversation by asking
clarifying questions to make the whiner pinpoint the specifics of the
problem. If your whiner is
unable to be specific, suggest that he or she go away and gather more
information.
- Give the whiner something to look forward to by
setting a time for a subsequent meeting, either to discuss the problem
further or (better) when s/he will get back to you with possible
solutions.
- Also to redirect the whiner’s thinking toward a
solution, ask the whiner what s/he wants.
- If the preceding steps fail to produce positive
change, know when to draw the line.
If the whiner reinitiates the same cycle of complaints, clarify
that talking about problems without solutions is a poor use of everyone’s
time and shut him or her down.
What not to do:
I have adapted the above five tips and three don'ts from the book ““Dealing with Difficult People: 24 Lessons For Bringing Out the Best In
Everyone” by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner. In personal practice, I have found all these instructions useful in
helping me cut to the chase quickly when faced with another person’s morass of
complaints. But I have to admit, in my less diplomatic moments I've also had success in deflecting whiners by simply informing them that they are compromising my brain cells. That's my sixth tip.- Agree or disagree with whiners. Either alternative simply encourages them to keep whining.
- Try to solve whiners’ problems for them. You need their participation.
- Ask why. Whiners will construe the question as an invitation to start over from the beginning.
What techniques work best for you?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGAUPDENuZs
