6 tips for handling whiners

Sorry it took me so long to produce this second installment to my post of 21 August/12, when I cited research that showed too much time spent listening to someone else’s complaining can damage your staff’s brain cells.  I feel bad for leaving you hanging this long, especially since practical advice exists that may help you not merely cope with a longwinded complainer but actually enable you to bring out the best in the whiner.

By whiner, I am referring specifically to someone whose complaints are neither constructive nor even useful as a therapeutic (if passive-aggressive) form of stress relief.  Although such whiners may possess a legitimate sense that things should be different and want to make things right, they have no idea how to effect improvements.  So as a result they feel helpless and, instead of taking action, they whine.

If faced with this type of whiner, the best thing you can do is diminish the whiner’s helplessness by taking the following five positive steps:

1. Listen to the whiner’s complaints (even if you don’t want to and at risk of your own brain cells).  Write down the main points to prove to the whiner that you are listening and also help you recognize the complaints again if the whiner tries to recycle them.
2. Because whiners tend to complain in vague generalizations, you'll probably need to take charge of the conversation by asking clarifying questions to make the whiner pinpoint the specifics of the problem.  If your whiner is unable to be specific, suggest that he or she go away and gather more information.
3. Give the whiner something to look forward to by setting a time for a subsequent meeting, either to discuss the problem further or (better) when s/he will get back to you with possible solutions.
4. Also to redirect the whiner’s thinking toward a solution, ask the whiner what s/he wants.
5. If the preceding steps fail to produce positive change, know when to draw the line.  If the whiner reinitiates the same cycle of complaints, clarify that talking about problems without solutions is a poor use of everyone’s time and shut him or her down.

 What not to do:

1. Agree or disagree with whiners.  Either alternative simply encourages them to keep whining.
2. Try to solve whiners’ problems for them.  You need their participation.
3. Ask why.  Whiners will construe the question as an invitation to start over from the beginning.

I have adapted the above five tips and three don'ts from the book ““Dealing with Difficult People:  24 Lessons For Bringing Out the Best In Everyone” by Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner.  In personal practice, I have found all these instructions useful in helping me cut to the chase quickly when faced with another person’s morass of complaints.  But I have to admit, in my less diplomatic moments I've also had success in deflecting whiners by simply informing them that they are compromising my brain cells.  That's my sixth tip.

What techniques work best for you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGAUPDENuZs

The latest advice on dealing with difficult people

Hara Estroff Marano’s article in this month’s Psychology Today, called “The High Art of Handling Problem People”, acknowledges that dealing with difficult people is a special skill—and one that is becoming increasingly necessary in both professional and personal life.  
           Because difficult people come in a variety of forms, much of the article is devoted to describing the different modus operandi of individuals who are either hostile, rejection-sensitive, neurotic, or egoic.  Yet the author points out certain threads that are common to difficult interactions:
"Ever wonder how an encounter goes so quickly awry? Doubt your own perceptions? Feel thrown totally off balance by another person? Find yourself acting crazy when you're really a very nice person? Manipulation comes in many forms: There are whiners. There are bullies. There are the short-fused. Not to forget the highly judgmental. Or the out-and-out sociopath. But they often have one thing in common: Their MO is to provoke, then make you feel you have no reason to react—and it's all your fault to begin with! Feeling deeply discounted, even totally powerless, while having to jettison the original aim of an interaction is a distressing double whammy of social life—and a cardinal sign you're dealing with a difficult person. No, it's not you. It's them. And it's the emotional equivalent of being mowed down by a hit-and-run driver."

             As a self-help tool, the author recommends you stay composed in the face of unreasonableness to enable you to figure out exactly what species of difficulty you're facing before attempting to deal with it.  Further practical advice includes a list of “7 Ways to Defuse a Difficult Encounter” by Vancouver physician and PT blogger Susan Biali.  Is anything crucial missing from the list?

 http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201204/the-high-art-handling-problem-people